Meet Speedy. He's a ten year-old African Sulcata tortoise. By the accents of his friends, he's probably a lot further south than we are.

Speedy likes sunny days and surprise tortoise boners. So do his friends, A LOT MORE than he does.

Medioimages/Photodisc

So, when Speedy pitches a tortoise tent in front of his friends, they are in awe. Watch as they get on the ground to witness the overflow of tortoise baby batter all over the patio.

With quotable lines like, "If he shoots on me, I'm gonna be pissed!" or, "I've never seen so much c**! How old is he?", you'll really wonder who spiked their sweet tea.

"We're impressed, dude!"

Alex, I'll take "Things I Wish My Wife Said to Me for 800."

The video can't be embedded, but I can provide the link.