How to Tell If You’re a Douche Bag Roommate
Before I rag on roommates, let me first say I'm eternally grateful to my old roommate who rolled me over when I was chocking on own lime-flavored vodka vomit on my dorm room floor at Washington State University in Pullman.
Besides the obvious no-nos like dealing drugs, not paying rent or never replacing the toilet-paper roll, here are some major pet peeves to avoid along with some entertaining anecdotes about offenders:
1. Pets -- (weird pets, stinky pets or too many pets).
In a 6 month span he went from having no pets, to having around 30-40 snakes and lizards, ranging from very small to very big. Since he had so many lizards he thought that buying crickets in bulk would be a good idea. He went to the pet shop and brought home a massive barrel of about 10,000 crickets. We went to bed that night and the next morning I woke up to a cricket jumping on my face. I freaked out and sat up only to realize that I could see about 5 or 6 more in my bed. I threw off the covers, ran out to the living room, and became frozen in shock. The barrel of crickets had been tipped over and our house was completely covered with thousands of these little bastards. The noise was insane. The other roommates came out to see what happened and were just as shocked as I was. It took everything in me not to beat the shit out of this guy.
2. Making a mess and not cleaning it up or paying for it.
Set fire to my kitchen while I was in the shower. She had taken the batteries out of the kitchen alarm because "it always goes off when I'm cooking and its annoying". She then left me in the shower not knowing, didn't call the fire dept, didn't attempt to put the fire out, just ran outside and sat there, leaving my house to burn down with me inside... Or at least that's what would have happened, if my neighbors hadn't seen the smoke and called the fire debt, and my dog hadn't freaked the fuck out warning me about it, so I could mostly put the fire out with a wet towel while half-naked... Oh and I got charged $250 for not having batteries in the alarm, which my ex-roommate refused to pay, plus repairs to the kitchen (which was fortunately the only room damaged).
3. Bad with money.
He was taking my money for my half of the bills and not paying the bills.
4. Not honoring the terms of the lease.
His terrible **cking fiance who moved in without asking anyone or paying rent.
5. Not helping with the dishes.
Using my pots and pans to eat food while on the shi##er and then leaving them in the bathroom to rot. I'd go in to collect my pots because I needed to cook sh** and there would be pubes mixed into the old food, because bathrooms.
6. Disrespectful with your music.
She used to have that Jessica Simpson song "With You" play every single time her boyfriend would text or call her. This was in 2008 though, so it would just play a random snipette of the song: "Ah ahhhhh ah ahhhhh the real me is a southern girl with my Levi's on and an open heart." A zillion times a day. When we asked her to turn it off, at least at night, she said she didn't know how to change her phone to vibrate. When I told her I had the same phone and could show her how, she said she knew her phone COULDN'T be switched to vibrate!?
7. You move out without giving proper notice.
I came home from work early one day to find one of my roommates at the time in the act of secretly moving out. Better was that I found my phone bill on top of his small pile of boxes. He'd wracked up a $600 phone bill that month and was planning to move out, disappear, and leave me with a $600 phone bill. So when he came back with a truck he was surprised that I was home early. I convinced him to transfer the bill to his new address and I had to wait 3 days to get new phone service.
8. Taking your roommates' things without asking.
She stole my clothes and a bridesmaid dress that I had bought for a friend's wedding and took them to a consignment shop right before Christmas so she could have money for Christmas presents.