My 13 Favorite Jokes That Are Only Funny If You’re Drunk
Keep the laughs coming this St. Patrick's Day with my best jokes for drinking (WARNING: they aren't funny sober).
A traffic cop sees a car zooming past with 12 penguins in the back seat. He pulls the car over.
"What do you plan to do with these penguins?" the officer asks.
"I don't know," the driver replies.
"I suggest you take them to the zoo right now," the officer said.
"I'll do that right now," the driver replied.
But the next day, same place, same time, the officer sees the same car zoom past with 12 penguins in the back seat. He pulls the vehicle over and yells,
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The driver, confused, stumbles back,
"I... I... I did officer... and today we're going to the movies!"
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With a big itheburg
(read out loud)
Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye 'maighty
Q: How come you never see elephants hiding in trees? A: Because they're very, very good at it.
Q: Why was the science teacher cross eyed?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils
My favorite quote:
"We dig when you dig, then he digs and she digs after they dig but before you dig and I dig."
Say what you will but it's very deep.
A blind man walks into a hardware store, lifts his seeing-eye dog up and begins swinging it around his head. The clerk asks if he needs help. No, the man replies, just looking around.
Two old men are out walking their dogs when they get hungry but the only restaurant nearby is fancy. The first man puts on sunglasses and stumbles in claiming the animal is his seeing eye dog. Encouraged, the other man pulls out his sunglasses and tries the same thing. The maitre d stops him and says, "Excuse me sir, dogs are not allowed and do you expect me to believe that chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog?"
The man pauses a moment, then blurts out, "WHAT?!!! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!"
Q: Why don't they let blind people go skydiving?
A: Because it scares the heck out of the dogs.
Tiger: Bartender, "I'll take a rum and......................................................................................................................coke."
Bartender: OK, heh heh... why the big pause buddy?
Tiger: I was born with them.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery
(time your friends to see who takes the longest to get it)
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.