For a lot of people, the beginning of a new year is a new excuse to disappoint themselves with lofty goals they'll never accomplish. Why do we have to wait until January 1 to make healthy goals for ourselves? Since everybody else seems to be set on it, here are my goals for 2016.

START SMOKING

Seriously, I need to learn how to BBQ like Dickey's or Porters.

RS4031_746075-scr
Thinkstock
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GAIN WEIGHT

Put on some muscle mass. I'm too skinny to be taken seriously.

Celebrating Weight loss
Sharon Meredith
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WATCH MORE TV

I've still never seen 'Breaking Bad', so Curt's 'Breaking Bad Bitch Breaks' go over my head.

Smart tv and hand pressing remote control
manaemedia
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SWEAR MORE

I would like to moonlight as a judge, and swear people under the oath of law to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Close-up of a judge handing down a verdict
Purestock
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DRINK MORE

I'm always dehydrated. I'll drink anything. Except anti-freeze. I won't drink that.

Cheerful businessman toasting
mladensky
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