Hate Resolutions? Here’s My 5 New Year’s ANTI-Resolutions
For a lot of people, the beginning of a new year is a new excuse to disappoint themselves with lofty goals they'll never accomplish. Why do we have to wait until January 1 to make healthy goals for ourselves? Since everybody else seems to be set on it, here are my goals for 2016.
START SMOKING
Seriously, I need to learn how to BBQ like Dickey's or Porters.
GAIN WEIGHT
Put on some muscle mass. I'm too skinny to be taken seriously.
WATCH MORE TV
I've still never seen 'Breaking Bad', so Curt's 'Breaking Bad Bitch Breaks' go over my head.
SWEAR MORE
I would like to moonlight as a judge, and swear people under the oath of law to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
DRINK MORE
I'm always dehydrated. I'll drink anything. Except anti-freeze. I won't drink that.