For a lot of people, the beginning of a new year is a new excuse to disappoint themselves with lofty goals they'll never accomplish. Why do we have to wait until January 1 to make healthy goals for ourselves? Since everybody else seems to be set on it, here are my goals for 2016.

START SMOKING

Seriously, I need to learn how to BBQ like Dickey's or Porters.

RS4031_746075-scr

GAIN WEIGHT

Put on some muscle mass. I'm too skinny to be taken seriously.

Celebrating Weight loss

WATCH MORE TV

I've still never seen 'Breaking Bad', so Curt's 'Breaking Bad Bitch Breaks' go over my head.

Smart tv and hand pressing remote control

SWEAR MORE

I would like to moonlight as a judge, and swear people under the oath of law to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Close-up of a judge handing down a verdict

DRINK MORE

I'm always dehydrated. I'll drink anything. Except anti-freeze. I won't drink that.

Cheerful businessman toasting