SWAT Team Apprehends Infamous “Penis Man”
Rest easy, citizens. A dastardly villain has been caught. The Tempe, Arizona Police Department spared no expense in apprehending the diabolical Penis Man.
Men, women, and children had been terrorized for countless days and nights as the words "Penis Man" began to appear on apartment buildings, Starbucks drive-thrus, traffic signs, and porta-potties. Citizens of Tempe, Arizona didn't know how long they would be gripped in fear and draped in dread. That's if they even survived long enough to see justice wrought on this evil-doer.
Fear not! With the (alleged) assistance of a SWAT team, Dustin Shomer will finally see his day in court. The suspect wrote on Facebook that a team of 25 "heavily armed" SWAT team members raided his condo and "pointed a silenced assault rifle" in his face. He claims the weapon was an AR-15.
Shomer says while he does hate the "institution of police", he didn't want to overgeneralize and accuse all officers of being jerks. He does say that he liked several detectives, who seemed to be "genuine Penis Man fans."
The story gets better. This morning, Shomer confessed to Phoenix New Times, he wasn't the real Penis Man, but a man inspired by the message. He claims there could be hundreds of Penis Man disciples with "very distinctively different handwriting." Do we have a new cult of idealists on the verge of revolution? If Penis Man rises to power, will he lower the rent and raise the wages as he said in a scrawl across an apartment building?
Have we all been unknowing pawns in Penis Man's plans? Lock up your homes, citizens, we could be in for some trying days.