Oh, there's gonna be fireworks, baby.

With a 4th of July holiday weekend that will be in full swing, and Independence Day on a Saturday, my plan is to catch some of the rockets red glare and then head into the boudoir to shoot off my own bottle rockets.

I live in a neighborhood full of cul-de-sacs and every year it seems like every sac (sic) tries to outdo the other blasting what has to be close to a paycheck's worth of mostly illegal, okay they're all illegal, pyrotechnics. I just start a small fire in the pit on the patio and get whiplash spinning in my chair every few seconds to catch another colorful rapport in a different quadrant of the sky.

Then it's time to tend to my dirty, sinful business. I can't mention the things we'll do, but sweetness, there's no one like you. No, I'm not banging a Scorpion. Ouch.

Look, I've stockpiled a ton of crazy crotch stuff thinking someday I'd get to it. Today, is that day.

Ready?

Watching an average of nine times a month, half of men and a third of women say sex in porn is ACCURATE. When watching, 50% skip the dialogue and get straight to the action, a third skip the speaks AND foreplay and just get on to the gettin' it on.

Exactly how long does it take the average woman to reach her climax? 13 minutes and 28 seconds. Read 'em and weep, fellas. Survey sampled 645 women, all in committed relationships, averaging 30 years old, from 20 countries. 67% of the women needed some kind of touching or stimulation during sex to climax and the position that was the most effective was the woman on top.

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95% of men and 87% of women have fantasized about a threesome but here's what we don't realize. It turns out that threesomes are the fantasy that's the most likely to turn out poorly when you actually do it, mainly because everyone involved has different expectations.

Someone trained an A.I. program to draw pictures of male genitalia, just take any simple shape you draw. Yes, there's a website.

Gonorrhea is the strongest creature alive. It can pull 100,000 times its body weight.

Syphilis is called the "French Disease" by Italy, Germany and England. Russia calls it "Polish disease"; Poland calls it "German disease"; Denmark and Portugal call it "Spanish disease" and Turkey calls it "Christian disease."

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A sex doll company in Florida says it can't keep up with demand since the pandemic began.

The newest way to get revenge on your ex is hiring a porn star to yell at them. Yes, SPITE PORN.  You hire a porn star to make a sexy video for your ex, but then, as the video's getting hot, the porn star suddenly starts BERATING your ex and telling them exactly why they're a horrible person.

And finally, it's not American, but it's got style and I love a great idea, that won't possibly catch on here because we're too uptight, but, a politician in Denmark has bought ads on PornHub because, "you have to be where the voters are."

Too bad we don't pull levers anymore.