Hey Black Sabbath! We’ve found your new official drummer! Prepare yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, because no drummer alive has ever embodied the spirit of true, balls to the wall, panty-throwing, boob flashing, rock and roll domination and superiority like this Dave Mustaine-wigged, Los Angeles rock god.

In a recent post on the most bitchin’ medium for “rocker wanted” ads in history, Craigslist, this divine drummer attempts to seek a band worthy of his prowess. Riddled with salty language which would make Joe Pesci blush, this stick-slinging legend in the making posted one of the greatest ads in awesomeness history — ‘Real Rock Drummer for NON-p–sy band.’ We should warn you now however, if you can’t handle lyrical mastery of this caliber, you should look away. Here’s his entire Craigslist ad:

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I’m gonna “tone it down a little, bro” so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don’t take direction from ninnies who live in their f—ing parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his “process”, you piece of s–t. I am a real mother f—er with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass f—ed mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the f—ing game, dude. So when I’m f—ing the s–t outta the kit, you can’t be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy d–k wishing that you could stick your d–k in too, NO! You get that d–k hard and f— the stage with me, p—y boy. I’m so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of f—ing bitches who aren’t afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off f—ing sweat, c–, groupies, p—y juice, blood, etc.

Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your f—ing face with my S–T-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!

Now is your chance everybody. Head on over to this dude’s Craigslist post and nab him for your band before Black Sabbath does. That is, only if you can handle his orgasmic intensity behind the kit.