Beer manufacturers know nothing about their customers. Perhaps ad agencies are to blame. Whoever makes the decisions on beer commercials must be drunk. Not the fun kind of drunk, the “do dumb things that seem smart” kind of drunk that often lead to bad decisions like drunk driving or engagements.

The typical beer commercial assumes all men are morons that respond only to humor and love nothing more than cans that visually tell us when our beer is cold enough to drink (because tasting it or just holding the can isn’t a good enough indicator). Here are seven assumptions beer companies make about the average guy.

Men Mock Each Other For Beer Choices

We hang out with friends in bars. We all drink different things. Drink choices and beer make up about 1/10 of the conversation while out drinking with friends. We’ve never rag on another guy for his beer of choice. Especially if we’re buying the round. The cheaper and crappier the better. We insist!

Also, this whole idea of questioning manhood doesn’t happen in regard to beer. We call a guy out for being less than manly when they blow it with a woman or, perhaps, scream like a child on a roller coaster. Not because they don’t drink Miller Lite. In fact, we’d let him drink anything he wanted to forget whatever public humiliation he is getting crap about.

Men Buy Beer Because Of Gimmicks

Cold activated cans. Wide mouth tops. Beer bottles that will also manage a 401K and pitch in around the house. (Patent pending on that last idea.) Beer makers think it’s all the bells and whistles that make men buy beer. It’s usually only two things: taste and price. Price when a guy is broke and has to lower his standards. Once he starts making a little extra cash he buys beer that he actually enjoys drinking. No man has ever turned down a cold beer because it wasn’t a Vortex bottle. “Is this a regular bottle? What the hell are you trying to prove Mike?!? If you weren’t my father I’d break this ice cold bottle over your thick skull. How cold is it? Hang on let me check the indicator.” Also, what the hell is “super cold.” There is cold and there is frozen. It’s one or the other.

Men Will Do Anything For Free Beer

In the world of beer commercials, the product is often some type of hot commodity that can’t be found in basically any beer or liquor store. Beer is hard to come by in the land of suds and barley, therefore, men will do anything ANYTHING to get their hands on just one bottle. They’ll do things like get fired or even (GASP!) donate to charity.

“We’ll I’d love to help the homeless and those in need but unless I get some type of beer reward they are all just going to have to freeze their cans off this winter.”

Gorgeous Women Surround Men All Day

Where there is beer, there are men. Where there are men, there are absurdly good looking women. By that logic, every man should just run and buy a six pack right now and just hang out on the corner with it until a couple hot women walk by. Of course, he’d then do something asinine, but let’s save that for the next entry. Back to the gorgeous women in beer commercials. These girls exist, of course, but they don’t hang out in large groups at the neighborhood bar. Look at the women in this commercial, which was probably filmed in our god damn dreams.

Where is this bar? Take us their right now. We’ll drive. If those women are hanging out and they are getting hit on by men in skirts we’ve hit the jackpot. Speaking of the skirt, on to the subject of the mental capacity of men.

Men Watch Sports In Groups Of 20 Or More

We’ve all got friends. Occasionally we’ll get together to watch a game at each others house. Maybe even at a sports bar. It happens once or twice a season. Beer commercials make it seem like every weekend is a catered house party with people crawling all over the living room. Men and women running all around in team gear and pets and children scattered about from kickoff until the end of the Sunday night game. It’s like a Dickens novel set around the 49ers versus Packers game. More often than not, men watch games alone, on their couch, while texting, Twittering and Facebook friends who are also watching the game at their own house. Makes for kind of boring commercial though.

Funny Commercials Will Make Us Buy Beer

“This beer tastes like the anus of a geriatric baboon dipped in battery acid. I’m going to keep buying it and drinking it because hot-damn they make some funny commercials.” Funny commercials, hot women, gimmicky cans and making us look like idiots isn’t going to sell more beer. Men drink the beer that they drink because they have personal preferences and tastes.

Men Are Essentially Apes In Clothing

DUUUUHHHHHHBEERSPORTSGIRLSUMMMMMMFOODBEEER. We don’t say or do much, according to beer makers, but when we do it’s usually something stupid. Wait for it. Wait for it. Any moment. ROCK! Hahahaha. He almost killed that guy. Let’s laugh about it over a beer.